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gaining good perspective in my "new life"

So, recently I have pulled an old favorite off the shelf....."Streams in the Desert". A good friend gave this to me when I was graduating from college and starting a new phase in life- working full-time. Now, as I am beginning another new phase it once again is coming in very handy. It is a collection of short essays and poems, mostly written by dead people. The last week has been full of great wisdom and perspective as I let go of an old way of life and embrace what is new. This was from today:

"As dying and behold we live" (2 Cor. 6:9).

I had a bed of asters last summer, that reached clear across my garden in the country. Oh, how gaily they bloomed. They were planted late. On the sides were yet fresh blossoming flowers, while the tops had gone to seed. Early frosts came, and I found one day that that long line of radiant beauty was seared, and I said, "Ah! the season is too much for them; they have perished"; and I bade them farewell.

I disliked to go and look at the bed, it looked so like a graveyard of flowers. But, four or five weeks ago one of my men called my attention to the fact that along the whole line of that bed there were asters coming up in the greatest abundance; and I looked, and behold, for every plant that I thought the winter had destroyed there were fifty plants that it had planted. What did those frosts and surly winds do?

They caught my flowers, they slew them, they cast them to the ground, they trod with snowy feet upon them, and they said, leaving their work, "This is the end of you." And the next spring there were for every root, fifty witnesses to rise up and say, "By death we live."

And as it is in the floral tribe, so it is in God's kingdom. By death came everlasting life. By crucifixion and the sepulchre came the throne and the palace of the Eternal God. By overthrow came victory.

Do not be afraid to suffer. Do not be afraid to be overthrown.

It is by being cast down and not destroyed; it is by being shaken to pieces, and the pieces torn to shreds, that men become men of might, and that one a host; whereas men that yield to the appearance of things, and go with the world, have their quick blossoming, their momentary prosperity and then their end, which is an end forever. --Beecher

"Measure thy life by loss and not by gain,
Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth.
For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice,
And he who suffers most has most to give."

a little scared

Yesterday I went to MOPS. There is a new group starting at my church and I wanted to check it out before my life gets a little crazy with a newborn. I loved it! I was so encouraged to sit at a table with women who just understood and who had really tender hearts towards Jesus.

Our pastor Michael came and taught from the word and he spoke about Mary. A teenage girl, appointed by God to become pregnant even though she was a virgin. Even though there were probably a million things Mary could have asked, worried about, and even used as excuses to protest, she simply responded, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said".

It feels like this week my pregnancy took a major turn. I'm so thankful that my doctor visits have been consistently good and I have been overall healthy, but this week my blood pressure went up. Suddenly I am having to lay low, choose less activity (which is hard for me) and just wait. The doctor told me that I may have to go on full-blown bed rest. Thankfully I haven't shown any of the more dangerous symptoms that can come with high blood pressure, but without a doubt, I can feel the potential seriousness involved in how my doctors have responded. Right now I feel like I am just waiting for Monday to come- then I know that I will be at 37 weeks and that the chances of my son having fully developed lungs is more likely.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and my heart was racing. Before this week, I'm not sure if I would have freaked out as much, but after this last week, the experience really scared me. I couldn't feel the little guy move. It was like 3 in the morning and Chad and I just sat up in bed while I cried. Eventually he did move and my heart rate slowed down, but it felt really scary. The feeling of not knowing what to do or how to respond is one of the worst feelings- particularly when there is very precious cargo involved.

I feel like I am surrounded by unknowns in entering into this phase. And, everything in me wants to control....but I can't. I'm stuck. The only options are trust or struggle. Choosing to believe that God is good, or that somehow I know better.

Jesus please help me to grow.

Please help me to be able to say, May it be.

One month from today...

Today is September 4th. My due date is October 4th. It feels like a huge milestone in this process to be at this place. I am officially just one month away from D-day. Today I took a yoga class from one of my regular teachers who is also my massage therapist. I just got back from a massage with her and she told me that she could tell in class, by the way my face looks, that I am getting closer to having a baby. Interesting! (We will see if she is right) That is one thing I like about yoga people- they have very intriguing intuition about the body.

This has been a very good journey for me. When I think about all that has happened since that day last winter when we found out we were pregnant, I am kind of dumbfounded. A lot has happened mentally, emotionally, physically- and not all just because of a baby.

Something I for sure will do again in pregnancy and recommend to others is to choose health and discipline. I feel like I have reaped the benefits of these decisions in the way I feel physically and I am still able to do my hot yoga classes regularly. I also hope to be a positive encouragement to other pregos. I love being pregnant at the yoga studio. Every day new people come up to me with very affirming and encouraging advice and stories. They give me hope!

Something I want to avoid, is being the mom who communicates to the pregnant person that her life is over. I have been so bummed by a handful of times when moms (who mostly have never met me before) will say things to me as if they made the worst decision to have kids. It kind of feels like when a husband calls his wife "the old lady" or when spouses refer to each other as "the ball and chain". I realize that this whole thing will likely be the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but I don't want to lose sight of the precious gift that has been given to us.

I have been busy, busy, busy preparing for the arrival of our son and I feel pretty close to having the list checked off. Sometimes I just sit in his room in the rocking chair and think about all that is to come- it is a very sweet time. Sometimes I will talk to him when I am alone and I can't even get a couple words out without crying.

I can't believe I am about to be a mom.

some vulnerability...

I have been making some observations about my life lately and what has become increasingly true of me in the last few years. I had some insightful moments the other day as I began to revisit my personal vision that has developed over time, but mostly during my time on staff with Crusade. A passage that has always deeply connected with my heart is 2 Corinthians 5:14-21. I love the idea that God is about reconciliation and that he desires to make broken things whole again.....and even more that he invites us into this process. I have always been motivated in my work and life by the thought of being able to enter in to other's lives and to help see wholeness come to places of brokenness. And I have always been motivated in community and friendship by the truth that God uses these places to bring reconciliation into my own broken parts. I have always had great desire for people who would "go there" with me.

I think in the last few years some things have creeped into the relational area of my life that I have allowed to limit and taint these desires:

fear

massive insecurity

feelings of not being fully accepted

exposure of my idols of reputation/respect and a deep desire to be liked

not knowing what to do with lack of resolve

fear of disappointing others

fear that true, vulnerable, deep relationship isn't really possible or available

fear that I am "too much" for others and that it is easier to not "go there" with me

The visual that came to mind the other day was me, crouched over with a blanket pulled over my head. Some how, I have convinced myself that this is a "safe" place. There is just enough room in there for Chad and maybe a couple others.....maybe. Somehow I think that the blanket has the ability to protect me, but really it is nothing more than a "security blanket". I can mostly only focus on myself because I am crouched over and my eyes can really only see me, so the way I see the world is through me- pretty self-centered most of the time. I could expand on this, but you probably get the point.

As I thought about what I want to be true (the person who is an active part of 2 Cor 5) the visual was of something totally the opposite. A person standing up, no blanket, free to move, who can see what is really going on. I love Proverbs 11:25, "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed". Now I am in a position to move towards others rather than waiting and hoping that someone will crouch down under the blanket with me. There is no false security blanket- I plainly see that I must risk. My whole self is out there. There is room and freedom and the space that I allow for others doesn't have to be suffocating or limited.

Later that day I went to yoga and made a point to do every posture as open as I possibly could. There was something redeeming and healing about posturing myself, literally, toward the Lord and toward what I believe that he wants to be true of me. I prayed through the class that the lord would do this in my heart and life. The hard part is that growth takes time, and healing takes time and sometimes I am not so patient. My temptation is to begin to bend over and crouch back over, and pull that blanket back over my head.

How People Grow

So, I decided to go back and read an old favorite recently. When I first joined staff with Crusade, reading this book and experiencing it with my teammates was truly life-changing for me. As I have been walking through a time of intentionality in processing my growth and how I am really doing, it has been good to go back and be reminded of some great wisdom in the growth process. I thought I would record some quotes that have stuck with me this time around and have really helped me to grow!

"It is a powerful dynamic when a person gets out from under the control of another. This freedom leads to autonomous functioning and self-control, an essential ingredient of responsibility."

"One of the most important tasks of spiritual growth is to understand how to suffer."

"If we are humble we will be willing to allow something uncomfortable to happen to us if it is the right thing to do. This is because part of being humble means not perceiving ourselves to have rights or privileges that we do not actually possess."

"While we need to confess and process pain, we also need to take back ownership of our lives."

"Grief can only be accomplished in the context of relationship."

"You can only let go of one trapeze if another one is in view."

"Relationship can't occur unless both knowledge and love are present."

"Grief is the one pain that heals all others. It is the most important pain there is."

"Beware of the man whose only tool is a hammer, for he sees every problem as a nail."

"When love is separated from truth, people cannot grow."

"The sobering reality is that, right now as you are reading these pages, there is no meeting currently going on somewhere else, in which the agenda is to make your life better. However, the more you own your life, the more things change for the better."

"Sorrow is better than laughter for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better."

-Eccl 7:3 KJV