some vulnerability...

I have been making some observations about my life lately and what has become increasingly true of me in the last few years. I had some insightful moments the other day as I began to revisit my personal vision that has developed over time, but mostly during my time on staff with Crusade. A passage that has always deeply connected with my heart is 2 Corinthians 5:14-21. I love the idea that God is about reconciliation and that he desires to make broken things whole again.....and even more that he invites us into this process. I have always been motivated in my work and life by the thought of being able to enter in to other's lives and to help see wholeness come to places of brokenness. And I have always been motivated in community and friendship by the truth that God uses these places to bring reconciliation into my own broken parts. I have always had great desire for people who would "go there" with me.

I think in the last few years some things have creeped into the relational area of my life that I have allowed to limit and taint these desires:

fear

massive insecurity

feelings of not being fully accepted

exposure of my idols of reputation/respect and a deep desire to be liked

not knowing what to do with lack of resolve

fear of disappointing others

fear that true, vulnerable, deep relationship isn't really possible or available

fear that I am "too much" for others and that it is easier to not "go there" with me

The visual that came to mind the other day was me, crouched over with a blanket pulled over my head. Some how, I have convinced myself that this is a "safe" place. There is just enough room in there for Chad and maybe a couple others.....maybe. Somehow I think that the blanket has the ability to protect me, but really it is nothing more than a "security blanket". I can mostly only focus on myself because I am crouched over and my eyes can really only see me, so the way I see the world is through me- pretty self-centered most of the time. I could expand on this, but you probably get the point.

As I thought about what I want to be true (the person who is an active part of 2 Cor 5) the visual was of something totally the opposite. A person standing up, no blanket, free to move, who can see what is really going on. I love Proverbs 11:25, "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed". Now I am in a position to move towards others rather than waiting and hoping that someone will crouch down under the blanket with me. There is no false security blanket- I plainly see that I must risk. My whole self is out there. There is room and freedom and the space that I allow for others doesn't have to be suffocating or limited.

Later that day I went to yoga and made a point to do every posture as open as I possibly could. There was something redeeming and healing about posturing myself, literally, toward the Lord and toward what I believe that he wants to be true of me. I prayed through the class that the lord would do this in my heart and life. The hard part is that growth takes time, and healing takes time and sometimes I am not so patient. My temptation is to begin to bend over and crouch back over, and pull that blanket back over my head.