a little scared

Yesterday I went to MOPS. There is a new group starting at my church and I wanted to check it out before my life gets a little crazy with a newborn. I loved it! I was so encouraged to sit at a table with women who just understood and who had really tender hearts towards Jesus.

Our pastor Michael came and taught from the word and he spoke about Mary. A teenage girl, appointed by God to become pregnant even though she was a virgin. Even though there were probably a million things Mary could have asked, worried about, and even used as excuses to protest, she simply responded, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said".

It feels like this week my pregnancy took a major turn. I'm so thankful that my doctor visits have been consistently good and I have been overall healthy, but this week my blood pressure went up. Suddenly I am having to lay low, choose less activity (which is hard for me) and just wait. The doctor told me that I may have to go on full-blown bed rest. Thankfully I haven't shown any of the more dangerous symptoms that can come with high blood pressure, but without a doubt, I can feel the potential seriousness involved in how my doctors have responded. Right now I feel like I am just waiting for Monday to come- then I know that I will be at 37 weeks and that the chances of my son having fully developed lungs is more likely.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and my heart was racing. Before this week, I'm not sure if I would have freaked out as much, but after this last week, the experience really scared me. I couldn't feel the little guy move. It was like 3 in the morning and Chad and I just sat up in bed while I cried. Eventually he did move and my heart rate slowed down, but it felt really scary. The feeling of not knowing what to do or how to respond is one of the worst feelings- particularly when there is very precious cargo involved.

I feel like I am surrounded by unknowns in entering into this phase. And, everything in me wants to control....but I can't. I'm stuck. The only options are trust or struggle. Choosing to believe that God is good, or that somehow I know better.

Jesus please help me to grow.

Please help me to be able to say, May it be.